I am a fine example of hypocrisy, a contradictory mess of ideals and emotions. What I have once wished for, I am now ashamed of, as . I no longer hate what I had held in utter contempt a few months prior. However, I cannot tell if it is because of the unbreachable distance that dampens one’s feelings or because of never having truly hated.

I am not quite sure whether I am sad. I have given myself little time to dwell on the matter, such luxury do not seem to exist in my life, at least not until now – a few months after. True, there have been moments when I catch myself with nothing to distract my attention, nothing to occupy my thoughts and I do sense an overwhelming sense of something being different, irreparably broken, lost forever. I feel even more at a loss when I face my dad as he struggles to deal with the reality that he now walks on alone, and that the one he has loved for more than half his life is gone. That having spent almost everyday together with her, he now has to learn to live everyday without her. That thought alone makes me a million times sadder than anything else.

I desperately want to leap in and rescue him from any such despair or sadness. I do not know what I can possibly do to repair the situation.

I myself felt the time lapse. That time passed different in these times of stress. The sensation that time was ploughing ahead at full speed despite your every fibre screaming at it to stop and wait for your heart to catch up. The impending doom. The stress.

My coping style is definitely to drown myself in a world of worries and stresses, leave no time to be preoccupied with things called emotions. Although, I knew it probably wasn’t the healhtiest thing to do, and that eventually it will leak through and may very well come exploding out. Now that I have more time to think about it, I wonder if I have left it festering too long inside and I am no longer human, no longer able to feel as acutely those essential emotions that I should be able to feel.

I also do not know how to move along. Move on. I need to pack things, throw things away, learn new skills, get rid of my shadows and live truly to myself as I have so often thought I can do without her. Is it too heartless to move of too quickly? Yet are we dwelling on it too long? What is the appropriate period of time? Or if there even is an approrpiate period of time for this sort of thing. I would hate to be told ‘i told you so’ right now, yet am I really proving to them that they were right all along? I feel like its still left undecided. And I need to keep working on it.

Dying for me, is not frightening. The biggest fear is leaving the ones you cared about behind and not knowing what will happen to them. Who cares I for what happens to me – be it heaven or hell – I am dead already!

I need to break this constant chain of negative thoughts leading to negative feelings. Do I really have to feel guilty about having fun in times like these? Do I need to love/like someone that has hurt me emotionally? I need to stop predicting her thoughts and emotions. Even though I think I know them so well, I guess I should still try to give her the benefit of the doubt that she might be so negative. To be honest, it has been easier in the last few days with her, because shes been much quieter. Less angry, less critical, less irritated. Maybe her condition is deteriorating. Either case is fine as always. Who knows whether she will really be saying no this time. Maybe she won’t. Maybe she will. And even if she says yes, you can go – you always suspect that she really doesn’t mean that and that she would want you to stay anyways, so its meaningless. but maybe you shouldn’t be thinking that way.

And in terms of the exams, don’t stress out too much. Take baby steps. Just cause you don’t know some stuff, its ok, its only human. you’re only just beginning, a novice. It’ll take time and you’ll gradually learn. be patient. can’t jump straight to being an expert and even they make mistakes. Just slowing be patient and teach yourself, you’ll pick it up in no time. Don’t write yourself off as a idiot, dumbass when you make mistakes or don’t know something. You are just perpetuating the damage and the self-inflicting pain cycle that has been started. Stop and enjoy what you have. The good stuff.

I hate her, and the more I hate her, the more I hate myself. The externalisation of that hatred has somewhere along the line, turned in on itself. It makes me ugly. I hate how I have changed and who I have become in order to harbour that hatred. I see a giant gaping black hole within myself where my heart is suppose to be. I hate I hate I hate. That has become my sole existence and I hate myself even more for that.

I am back to square one. It’s checkmate. I lose. How can I escape now? I see a replay of the same situation six years ago. I desire ever so much to escape and to be free. To find myself, who I truly am without any influence from her (but is it too late now?). Even before I can answer that question, I know I cannot escape whole. I have been sprung into a trap already. If I leave I would feel guilty, Be made to feel guilty. Feel guilty of my own volition because I have been brought up to feel it. I cannot escape my own guilt. I would not be as happy as I could have been. If I stayed, it is as it was six years ago. I would spiral down into hatred even more. I would hate it. I would hate her. I would hate myself. I can’t chose either path satisfactorily and I hate that also.

Why why why why why is it that no matter how hard I try, I can’t? My life can’t revolve around me. It has to revolve around her, an existence that I completely abhor. I cannot even now, have two minutes of peace. She’ll be yelling out every two minutes to us lowly slaves to serve her in some way or another. I want peace. I want tranquility. I want my own world, untainted by her existence. I want…

But sweetie, that is always wishful thinking. Because the minute those thoughts are out of your head and if by some shocking coincidence they were to be fulfilled, you will be haunted by the memory of having thought those thoughts. The guilt and self-consciousness will eat at you and forever cast a shadow over the future happiness. So getting rid of the source that way does not seem the way to go.

What does that leave me with? Putting up with the source. Driving myself into the wall. Losing more and more of myself and sanity into the abyss. Morphing into someone else as I constantly put my happiness and individuality on hold.

Why can’t someone just change my life for me? Do I really have to do it myself? Its too hard.

I’m weak. I just want out. I can’t stick to any of my plans. I have all these ideals, all these things I should/ should not do in order to be the strong willed woman that I so desire to be. To portray an image of strength and self-sufficiency. But I’m none of that. I’m a weak blubbering mess on the inside, and sometimes it shows. Theres nothing I can do about it. I keep reverting to my true self. In my inebriated states, I’ve let go of my own rules and ran back towards what was comfortable. In moments when I’m not so strong-willed, when I just go “stuff it all”, I start the whole one-sided thing all over again. Disastrous. Why am I so obsessive?

I can’t say yes to any others. I’ve said no for so damn long that I can’t just say yes to any old body. I’ve made it much harder for myself. I have to wait for exceptionalness that would never come. If it ever did, I would not be deserving of it or capable of winning it. I’ve created my own downfall.

Then there was tonight. The dinner catchup with old friends. Do I really have to sit there and take all that lashing out of condescending rudeness? Why do I have to put up with your offending remarks when you are clearly the ignorant one. Gosh have we grown apart. I have serious re-consideration to do before I embark on another dinner catch up with you lot.

I keep looking back, true. I constantly think back and realise that it was really in fact I who was the one lacking in depth and strength of emotion. I was too scared to let myself go into rampant rage of passion and for my reserve I have caused things to dissipate and fade into thin air. I guess I’ve learnt my lesson and will grow from it. But I still see traced of him etched into my life, irreversible changes that were caused by his transient presence. Things like that fact that I now own a guitar and would play it when I’m bored. Or the fact that I avoid aquariums, ghost tours, msns, John Mayer songs. Things that tie me to him. I also have a polar bear that is adorable to no ends. But have I left any traces of myself in his world? I do not think so. I don’t see it from the outside anyways, and in all truths, I gave very little of myself to him.

I do wish him all happiness. Hopefully that fateful day for him will spell the end of my lingering in this limbo, and I can truly move out from his shadow for good.

All of a sudden, the scapegoat was pulled away from your grasp. The punching bag disappears. There is no one or thing to direct your anger at. You’ve built up to the peak of all these strong emotions, and now you don’t know what to do with it. Even, ashamed that you feel such anger! Because you should’ve be. It wasn’t their fault.  Maybe even made to apologise for ever getting angry in the first place because it wasn’t their fault afterall! It was no body’s fault. It wasn’t my fault. But perhaps now, it is my fault for being angry? How irritating to not be able to be angry at something and at the same time have to feel apologetic for the unrightful anger.

Then if there is nothing external to direct my anger jet and let it all out, what else is it meant to do but fester on the inside and eat me up? I’m all grumpy and irritated. Its like an itch that can not be scratched. Still pissing me off.

It doesn’t help that the first thing I come home to is another screaming match between my parents.

I just want a hug, but that’s just wishful thinking.

Instead I’ve been trudging through old photos (a habit, that I find, recurs around exam times as well) It’s nice to remind myself that life can be good too. There has been those kodak moments, the laughters, the fun times. On the otherside of these barriers will be a new day and new beginnings. Time to catch up on things long forsaken, to meet up with people long forgotten, to talk to real animate objects as opposed to textbooks and computers.

A little question that my friend asked me the other day. At what point does a change in someone’s perspective constitute as growing up? And when does it count as being a hypocrite?

I’m sure that such a judgement cannot escape from being tinged by the perspective of the judger. If the new change coincides with the onlooker’s views well then, it is much easier to jump to the conclusion that they are simply growing up, being wiser. Whereas, if they do not, then the change will be viewed as a negative change surely, and hence forth it’ll be much more likely that they are judged in line with this negative attitude as a hypocrite. I think also the frequency that such an event happens contribute somewhat to that judgement call of a hypocrite. They tend to switch what they say / do at much higher frequency than someone who is truly affected by a life changing experience and chose to make a permanent change. The reasons for the shift in perspective should probably be considered too.. But all in all I guess like most things, it boils down to an individual case study. We’re bound to judge differently based on the circumstances, the persons involved, our relationships to these people and events.